Pill Popping

Vanessa

They say pills will fix my broken thoughts.

My thoughts are not broken. They don’t need fixing.

What I need is for life to stop hurling a constant slew of crap my way…I need life to take a break,
a vacation,
a sabbatical,
enough time away to allow me to recuperate in-between.

I need time,
a break,
a moment,
to gather my senses, to summon my wits about me and prepare for the next attack.

I need a moment, a moment, a moment, one small moment in-between is all I’m asking for.

This is more than Biology and Chemistry. More than reshuffling the direction of some faulty synapses and controlling the release of neurotransmitters.

This is the stuff of legend.
That ambiguous thing that many often refer to, but so few know or can point exactly to what it is.

This is about the condition of my soul.
That overwhelming other that resides in my awareness of myself.

What pill can fix that?
A corporeal thing cannot thing cannot find an incorporeal thing unless it has a pass to both kingdoms.
A corporeal thing cannot transcend space and time.
It is material, it exists in the present, it is a solution only to present things.
My soul needs more.

My thoughts are not broken. They don’t need fixing.

Howard

I’m in a familiar place, with familiar people, feeling unfamiliar loneliness.

The alcohol is pouring,
the laughter is flowing,
inhibitions are drowning,
and I am here standing in the middle of an unseen Jericho wall of isolation.

I need a rush,
a high,
a buzz,
to propel me into this tableau of perpetual fun.

I need a buzz, a buzz, a buzz, one small buzz is all I’m asking for.

This is more than Biology and Chemistry. More than a superficial high taken to subdue the recipient with the allusion of never-ending happiness.
This is a search for fulfilment.
The search for the ultimate key to satisfaction and joy.
The possibility of a permanent solution to what has been a permanent problem. Of mine.

What pill can fix that?
A mini pharmacy lies in front of me. I don’t know which to take.
I’ve heard that it’s like Russian Roulette. The wrong one could kill me, the right one could give me life.
But how can something that is already dead be killed?
I really have no choice. This is survival.

I’m in a familiar place, with familiar people, feeling unfamiliar loneliness.

I am broken. I need fixing.

Estelle

This is the sickest I have ever been. The sickest I ever want to be.

I need to leave this place full of aborted dreams and death. Where the walking dead shuffle along on a daily conveyor belt, every leaver swiftly replaced by a newcomer.

In this place hope is dangled,
tears must be strangled,
pain must be handled,
and bravery must be worn like a cloak of righteousness over the ghost of a lifetime past.

I need an alleviation,
a relief,
a remission,
to pour into the hollows of my cells, my vessels, my bones.

I need a remission, a remission, a remission, a remission is all I’m asking for.

This is more than Biology and Chemistry. More than the howls of a reprobate human being seeking to hold on to a purposeless life that has hitherto been wasted, spent in hedonism and indulgence.
This is not a cry for forgiveness.
This is not a plea for another chance.
This is roar for vengeance on a faceless enemy who confused its target with someone who would stand down, fold in, and die.

What pill can fix that?
Whatever the doctor is prescribing. Whatever eliminates. Whatever kills.
So many dotted lines to sign. With each scrawl the death sentence for this foe is being finalised.
With every swallow the pain eases, strength returns, and victory sprints towards me.

This is the sickest I have ever been. The sickest I ever want to be.

I am broken. But I am fixing.

**************************************************

Yours Truly

xx

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s