A bit of a rant, a bit of a rave: Part 3

So this has been a long time coming bearing in mind the last part was about a year or two ago. I did promise to touch upon another subject, but I don’t really care about that anymore, and to be honest, I have an abundance of more contemporary issues I need to rant about.

TFL Etiquette

  • I might have woken up on the right side of the bed, had pretty birds chirping a sweet summer song through my window as I dressed, had a bad boy breakfast – the whole shebang, left the house in time and not in a sweaty frenzy of haste and lateness, mood so high I could touch the sky Kanye West style…BUT, having spent under 60 seconds on any form of London public transport, and more often than not, suddenly light turned to darkness, sunshine to lightening, singing to gnashing of teeth, and an angel (yes, I am. Don’t fight it), into a roaring lion. Why? Because it seems a lot of people still haven’t mastered the very basic art of TFL etiquette. Why do people still try to roll 3 deep on tube escalators? Am I a frog that I should be leaping over you to get to where I want to go, because you’re busy having a chat about nothing important? It’s very simple and straightforward – single file and stick to the right if you’re not really calorie counting and can afford the leisurely ascent upwards. If on the other hand you’re into taking practical steps against heart disease, stick to the left and keep *clap* it *clap* moving *clap*. Very simple.

  • If you are on a bus and seats are getting scarce, I dare you to look me in the eye with your bag resting on the seat next to you, and turn to look back out of the window again without removing it. I will come to that seat and sit on your bag. I’ve done that before. Why should I have to ask you to remove it when you can clearly see it’s an obstruction? The thing with public transport is, you don’t get to choose who sits next to you. If you don’t like it, buy a car. Problem solved.
  • Lastly, tourists…please, can someone write a guide in several international languages that explains that clogging up pavements during rush hour, mostly outside key station exits and bus stops, in groups of 20+, is one of the single most annoying things to confront on a daily basis. And they will stand there and stare at you, see you coming, and still not move. I don’t understand. I didn’t think there needed to be a section in a guidebook for this, but it appears that common sense is not common…

 Fraudulent Takeaways

  • I have a gripe with Caribbean people everywhere. Ok actually let me be precise…Caribbean people who own Caribbean takeaways. WHY do you promise me curry goat, when the most you have to offer is bones with watered down curry goat juice on it, and shrapnel of goat meat? Sometimes even, there’s just NO meat. The amount of times I’ve fallen for this ruse sets my teeth on edge and I will confidently assert that its usage is very much among the echelons of Nigerian 419. I’ve even heard Caribbean people themselves complain about this, so Y U NO CHANGE huh? Furthermore, 9 times out of 10 there’s never anything left in the shop. How many people do you cook for in the morning? One customer or…? The only thing they ever do seem to have an abundance of is jerk chicken. But man does not live by jerk chicken alone…

Infection Evangelists 

  • The horror that fills my soul when I see one scumbag of a human being coughing into the air, mouth uncovered like they have the breath of life for all mankind within them, or sneezing whilst whizzing their head in a 360 degree motion like an Alpha lion, is incomparable. You see, for the above crimes, I’m actually capable of containing my disapproval and disdain to my mind. But these acts 99% of the time will warrant a vocal reaction of disgust from me and explicitly expressed irritation. Cold is real. Flu is real. TB is real. ALL AIRBORNE DISEASES are real…as are tissues and handkerchiefs. What is the problem? There are all sorts of poundstores all over the country. You can get about 12 packs of tissues for £1! Is there any good reason why some people feel so unrepentantly free to defile the air for others? Vagabonds. And maybe they were not prepared for the spontaneous sharing of the germs that have clearly been afflicting them for a while judging by the octave range of their coughs and sniffs, but there’s always their sleeves. Why should they pollute my right to clean air, because they don’t want to spoil their clothes? I take this so seriously that I have been known on occasion to do a 180 turn in the other direction, after spotting someone in front of me doing a super saiyin cough or sneeze. I can’t deal.

Does anyone relate to suffering bouts of anger due to any of the above? Comment with freedom and non-judgment below.

Yours Truly



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