1. Who Runs The World? OMO NAIJA!
We did it. We actually WON the African Cup of Nations! Personally I’m also celebrating something else too…lower blood pressure, less inclination to be violent, an exponential decrease in the threat of an early death, and less of the three D’s personally so often synonymous with the mention of Nigerian sports teams these days; Dismay, Despair and Disappointment. WE SHON BRAI LIKE A DIAMON! It was definitely one of the most stressful 90 minutes I’ve endured in 2013. Especially when one poor fellow had a pretty much clear shot on the goal with the ball within his reach, and decided to trip over air. Yes air. No one was there and he fell down. The alternative explanation is Juju (witchcraft), but I think we blame Juju too much for things. He fell down like a giraffe and kept on rolling like a hamster in a wheel. No matter. We still won, and it felt like vindication. Vindication from perpetual abuse from one of our nearest neighbours (who will remain unnamed but were sent packing earlier GMG style earlier in the competition by our opponents). Vindication from years of mockery regarding a certain penal code which follows us like a pungent fart wherever we go. Vindication from years of team mismanagement, tomfoolery and bad attitude to national sport. I am so proud, and I implore every fellow Nigerian to MILK this till AFCON 2015.
2. And you are?
I stayed up to watch part of the Grammys live on Sunday night/Monday morning. In her hot mess of an acceptance speech for Best Pop Act or some such other, Kelly Clarkson made a reference to Miguel (who had played just before her award) and said ‘Miguel, I don’t know who the hell you are, but we need to sing together.’ I stopped breathing. Aside from the fact that anyone who keeps up with music knows who Miguel is (I only just listened to his music recently for the first time, but had been hearing of him for about a year), even if you do not know him, do you neigh that like a giggling horse at the Grammys? The level of unconscious shade within that drunken confession was a lot. I saw the camera shoot to some of the guests on the floor as she made that foolish admission and some looked like they’d been slapped in the face with their own hand without their permission. It was possibly the greatest dumbest TV moment of 2013 so far. If she did not wake up on Monday morning (US time) not feeling like a first class prat, then she’s got some balls! And do you know what the pièce de résistance is? They’re on the same music label.
3. Be a Pope or die trying. Thems the rules!
When this news broke yesterday morning, at first I thought it was one of those silly twitter frauds like when they say a famous person has died, but they haven’t actually. But when the BBC tweeted it, I knew it was real. Now I was fully under the impression that if you become a Pope, it’s till death do you part! Resign? That word is not even supposed to be in your vocabulary anymore. Twitter was awash with all kinds of conspiracy theories as to the reason, most of which I dare not retype here, but the general consensus was that something major was being hidden. However, according to official reports and his official statement, it was due to what he sees as his diminishing health and therefore difficulty to carry out the job to the best he can (to paraphrase majorly. Link here ). I’m not a Catholic, so this news to me hasn’t really felt like someone severing my limb with no anaesthetic, which I know it has for some people. I just thought it interesting in the context of here is man who although he is a spiritual leader, for some, recognised his human limitations to carry out that office (if his statement is to be believed), and graciously decided for his own good, and the good of the people he leads, to step down. But I know that’s not washing it with many of you, and you await the ‘breaking news’ broadcast of the Pope’s 18 year old lovechild twins born in a brothel in Amsterdam by artificial insemination (use your imagination) to a man who was previously a woman conceived whilst the Pope was on a spiritual tour, to break in the next few days. Shame on you! He’s the next closest thing to God, didn’t you know? Oh my bad. That’s actually Jesus.