Freewrites

A Dog’s Life

A dog starts walking alongside me like it’s my companion.

I stop, look down at it and say ‘What do you want?’

It looks up at me.

I stare down at it.

I narrow my eyes.

It looks down, turns around, and starts walking in the opposite direction.

You have to be firm with them, or they’ll start pushing the boundaries you know?

Am I your peer that you should be cantering beside me like this is the Animals of Farthing Wood???

Me homo-sapien.

You canine.

Know your place in the order of creation.

How can a dog think me and it are bredrins???

One prideful dog.

Your Babies Aren’t Cute To Me

I’m not hating on your reproductiveness, I’m no Leah to your Rachel, but please if you must have 5 kids that you must take to school all at the same time, rein them in.

All this ‘oh Mummy look at the crap picture I drew yesterday’ (cos quite frankly it will be crap pre-10 years old), exclaimed at the highest decibel, combined with younger brat number 2 fighting with number 3, yelling, all crawling over each other like head lice, the younger babies crying like they cannot comprehend how to use the pacifiers languishing around their necks (Why ever not?? It’s basically a bottle minus the liquid. Simple beings!), is quite frankly out of order to subject commuters like myself to at anything before 9am.

Then to top it off Mummy, you are now yelling too, even louder than your unruly brood, combining with their caterwauling, to create a horrific symphony of what the real wilderness sounds like, and not the pretty little songs and lullabies of that fake and falsely representative, mass consumerist lie, The Lion King.

It’s times like these when I realise I could become a murderer.

Maybe even a serial-killer.

Hello There

Okay, so yesterday I walked past you and you said ‘Hello’.

With an appreciative leer on your face.

I said ‘Good Morning’. I’m a polite person.

Except the next day I walked past and you had a friend. And I felt emotionally blackmailed to say ‘Good Morning’ to both of you.

Now you both seem to be there at the same time every morning, and because all you’re saying is ‘Hello’, I feel obliged to be a civil human being and say at least ‘Hi’ back.

But this is getting long.

And so are your looks.

I hate awkwardness.

So I’ve decided next time, and every preceding time after that, I will discover something absolutely fascinating in the grey slabs of concrete under my feet, approximately a 100 yards before where you both are standing, which will still be highly interesting by the time I’ve passed you by about 30 yards and a decent enough degree out of earshot.

In the event that I am listening to my MP3, I reckon I could get away with holding my eyes at a 45 degree angle to the ground and pretend I have no peripheral vision.

Problem solved.

He says, She says

Many people have said I am crazy, hilarious, or wild.

It really all comes down to two things:

I never had a Barbie doll as child, or the shoe you could unlock with the key.

The End.

***********************************************************************************************************

Yours Truly

xx

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