Loud Black People

Introduction

I’m wondering how much of an introduction I really need to give. Goodness knows if I was speaking this, someone would have shouted over me already, before I even finished the title. You know the type…they won’t wait for you to pause for an intake of a semi-breath, nor even have the decency to tell you ‘shut up’ before they interrupt, they will just ‘intercede’ & start talking (about something totally different usually pertaining to them), like you were just sitting there like Casper the friendly ghost on mute.

The Meat of the Matter

Who are the people who do this? I’m sorry to say, but in the near quarter of a century that I’ve been alive, my anthropological studies socialising, has shown me that the vast majority of offenders are black people.

With these particular black people, even a parrot couldn’t get a word in edgeways. The parrot would start talking, after two words the black person would suddenly discover something that they needed to imminently say, start talking over & to the parrot, and if the parrot would not cease to talk (which it probably wouldn’t, not being governed by human social interaction rules and etiquette), the black person would just continue to talk louder and louder until the parrot shut up (alternatively, squeeze its neck until it stopped talking, all the while still talking to it, only releasing it upon finishing. If the parrot was found to be dead, it would not be cried over. It was a sacrifice worth making. This particular kind of black person’s point is always more important). Never underestimate the verbal stamina of a loud black person.

People have told me that I am loud, but more often than not, I find myself positioned in a ‘discussion’ with black people where I sound about as loud as an ant crying for help in the middle of a dual carriageway, surrounded by howling, roaring, squawking, shrieking and wildly gesticulating individuals eager to be the first to scream their point home. When there’s more than one of these undesirables, I feel like being immediately teleported raptured to heaven. Do you ever just get the feeling to stand up abruptly, fling your chair back and yell(ironically) as loud as you can

‘OI!I WAS TALKING. I WAS TALKING, I WAS TALKING, I. WAS. TALKING!

Thanks’,

calmly sitting down and continuing? If you say no, you’re a veritable liar.

However, It’s not all black people who are loud, and I have often noticed that it is these people who may start the initial conversation off with poise, elegance and intelligence, their uninterrupted and peacefully spoken speech tolerated for a bit because they’re people of few words. But that respect doesn’t last long (all of 0.8 seconds). Before the synapses in your brain have had time to meet together to process the information & what was said, the LBP (Loud Black People) have mobilised faster than flies round dog poo and before you know what’s happening, it sounds like someone is holding your head to a blackboard being scratched by ten pairs of fingernails. I’ve been involved in conversations where’s there’s literally at least five people shouting over each other, stubbornly continuing to talk, growing louder and louder as they notice the other people aren’t backing down, yap yap yap like those horrible violently inclined barky dogs. And the most ridiculous thing in these scenarios is that no one will ever say, ‘please let me finish’, they will just continue to talk, feverishly scouting with their eyes the vicinity, for a least one person who will listen to them, and if they find that person…happy days. Please believe they will still talk at that ridiculous decibel as if to say ‘This is my validation for having interrupted. That person wanted to hear what I had to say’.

That person could be someone whose eyes they just met, over 200 yards away, who was just looking over because they were wondering if and why someone had released the inhabitants of Whipsnade zoo into the bar/restaurant/location.

The thing is, if I wanted people to speak that loudly to me, I’d carry around a megaphone attached to my head. As it happens, I do not, so why are certain people so happy violating mine and other’s eardrums just to put across a crusty point, or if it wasn’t crusty, it could have waited till the initial speaker finished speaking. Half the time the things being shared, by force, are not going to change the world immediately, yet the person interrupts and manhandles an entire conversation as if to say ‘SHALLAP. The continued existence of mankind depend upon my words.’ Then they speak and you think ‘what a gassbag’ but you react the way they’d want you to because you simply cannot be bothered to invite loud calamity upon your head by foolishly getting stuck in a screaming match with them. Those argue hard, or die trying, types.

I think it takes a certain level of arrogance or belief in the importance of yourself to actually maintain a career in interrupting and howling down others, which a lot of black people do. We struggle to talk to each other. Sometimes it starts off well, then someone gets a little over-excited and starts talking like they’ve got a bit of a fever, infection rates quadruple and next thing you know, you’re sitting round a table amidst scenes like 28 Days Later. And these will be the same people who in fake humility will say things like, ‘I’m shy’. Oh my. Lies.

So yes, I guess this is a post of complaint. Because I am tired of being shouted down by people. If you howl when you speak, why would people not call you werewolf? If you do wild erratic movements, swinging from group to group or face to face looking for someone to pay attention to your squeals and yells, why would someone not call you ape? Is it by force that you must express yourself? Will the world suddenly fall to pieces if you don’t have your say?

It’s not that serious.

So please, if you’re a black person and you recognise some of the scenarios I painted, in your next conversations (I’m prophesying they will be conversations and not yelling matches, say ‘Amen’), have patience, have respect, and have courtesy to let others finish speaking and then you speak. If however, that person is one of those ones that like to waffle about nothing in particular…ahh slap them. I joke! Just respectfully tell them to shut up in a voice no louder than how you would whisper (I say whisper because in black culture, that’s more often than not a moderate shout).

If you don’t take my advice and choose to shout at me, please don’t be offended if by some as yet undiagnosed and spontaneous reflex action I happen to silence your lips.

Just to make it clear, I don’t believe in premeditated violence. Thanks.

Yours truly,

xx

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