A bit of a rant, a bit of a rave: Part 2

You may remember some time ago I laid out a plan of blogging about my 3 biggest current irritations. So far I’d covered Strike 1: Kids in A bit of a rant, a bit of a rave

Today I will be expanding on Strike 2, a subject matter many females will be able to relate to, and maybe some men as well. However if you are a man and you relate to all this… well…dang. 0_0 (Please bear in mind this is a rant so I’m gonna go HARD)

Strike 2: Street Chirpse

Once upon a time, a woman could amble amiably down a street, enjoying the joyous beauties of town life such as the vibrant shade of green emanating from the summer grass, pointedly ignoring the foul stench of urine rising so aromatically from that area and the suspected offending dog cantering innocently away; or the visual delight of the laborious shuffle of a filthy, one-legged overweight pigeon feeding off the remnants of last night’s kebab take-away, refusing to be terrified into flight by the powerful life-threatening stamp of your stiletto heel.

These were some of the things a woman could look forward to every day, as she walked down the street on her merry way.

Then suddenly, out of nowhere, a new addition to the scenery arrived, even more unwelcome and horrific, which was to change the course of female street walks…forever:

Street Chirpsers.

Guys, or should I say ‘chancers’, many of whom accost women in often the most insulting, personal-space-invading, awkward, disrespectful, and quite frankly laughable fashion (at times I’ve expected Ashton Kutcher to leap out of aforementioned urine-smelling grass with a camera and yell ‘You’ve been PUNK’D! To my horror, this hasn’t happened yet which means the guys were actually being serious.)

How to spot one? Well, it’s really not that hard. You don’t need to go to Specsavers for this, they’re so blatant and they’ve got no shame, but for the sake of warning future generations (you see I’m all about leaving a worthwhile legacy behind), I’ll breakdown their Modus Operandi and some of my unfortunate experiences…

Age range:

In truth there is none. As soon as they can talk, the potential is there. I’ve been accosted by youths who probably still hadn’t decided what to study for their GCSEs yet (me being in my mid-twenties), and by men who were just the right side of alive obviously operating on the premise of ‘It’s not over till it’s over’…

*Help*

Common methods of approach:

1.  The hand grab – I DETEST this. How dare you, how dare you grab my hand as I am walking along and minding my own business! This is so totally unacceptable, and I don’t know how any guy in his right mind could generate the COURAGE to do this. What’s more, is a vicious verbal rebuke is not even enough to jog these cretins’ sensibilities into dropping your hand. They still hold on, tighter than a junkie to a crack pipe. There have been occasions where I have nearly had to perform a karate-esque move to extract myself from the grubby clutches and leer of a Street Chirpser.

WASTE.

2.  Patently lust-filled compliment (no response from the intended needed), swiftly followed by an exponential decrease in the area of square metres lying between yourself and the offender who seems to have suddenly flown next to you on wings that he doesn’t have. Or at least you can’t see them. (What the hell? A Vampire?!) – Probably one of the most disconcerting approaches, as these guys look crazy enough to snatch and tuck you into a car if given half an opportunity and really don’t give a damn about who sees them or what you even think about any of it. Praise the Lord for the times he’s sent a timely bus along and I’ve been able to leap to my escape into it to the amused expressions of the passengers (this really pisses me off).

However, I am appalled to note that of late, this method has not been working for me! I can count on several fingers how many times I’ve been followed onto the bus by these harassers and they have sat next to me, and because I’m not a harsh person and I hate scenes, I have been forced to endure their company, wrong word, foolish talk, for more than a little minute for the whole of my journey, dying inside every time yet another fellow passenger clocks on to what is going on, turns, and stares. Yes stares, does not rescue me (no bloody concept of community service whatsoever). And what would you know ladies and gents? Apparently…he’s getting off the same stop as me! ~_~. Thankfully it’s never come to the point yet where I have had to run away from a guy (close though), but I’ve considered it on several occasions. It could only be the grace of God that’s got me out of some precarious fixes…

Naturally, a request for my phone number follows after all this…*sign of the cross*…

NEVERRRR.

3.  Asking for your number whilst he sits in his car at the traffic lights and you are crossing the road – This happened to me the other day, and I nearly had a stroke from the sheer ludicrousness of it. So let me get this straight: I am crossing the road to go somewhere, you are waiting at the traffic light to go somewhere, you want my number…so what…you want me to jump into your car and give it to you? Like I have no concern for my safety?? (I don’t believe God’s purpose for my life, was for my smiling victim-picture to end up on Crimewatch) Like you’re such a CATCH???

You must be out of your tiny mind.

4.  Asking you for directions/other random information, getting it, and then stupidly thinking/or deciding to take this as having generated enough of a basis for him to ask you for your name and your number – No. No, no, no, no, NO! I gave you directions, because you asked…for directions. In no way, shape, or form, have I encouraged you into thinking that this is anything more than me doing my bit for society and aiding you to be on your way.

These guys are the most common strain (they think they’re so clever) and are almost as dangerous as the Snatch and Grab’s (see No’s 1 & 2) as if you’re not careful, they can catch you off guard and make YOU feel guilty for not adhering to their ‘little’ request of your number. After all, they were ever so polite and it’s only a number…you don’t have to answer it 0_0. Yes these devious men will have your mind turning topsy turvy with unreasonable friendliness till you actually start thinking its ‘reasonable’ to give this guy your number. I implore you DO NOT. Worse still, these guys are not beyond begging for your number, with public abandon, and because they are usually dressed fairly decently, you get members of the public looking at you like you’re crazy and a cow for choosing not to give this ‘pleasant chap’ the time of day this side of eternity. I would say to them, what the hell would I want to do with a guy like that! They’re quite clearly devious. At least the Snatch and Grabs make their intentions clearly known and don’t lace it up in ‘Excuse me I’m lost. Can you help me?’ fakeness. Also, I don’t practice selective amnesia and I’ve got 20/20 vision and so I caught that fleeting desperately lustful look that passed across your face as you did your 0.5 sec ‘Look Up, Look Down’ then decided to ask me about the weather…or ‘directions’.

I REBUKE YOU.

GET THEE BEHIND ME.

The thing that really offends me about these Street Chirpses, is for the guys to have the guts to do them, maybe some poor poor idiotic woman, somewhere, must have responded to it positively? Right? It is so endemically practised in the male population that surely, surely, these guys are not continuously perpetrating these crimes against female humanity with no encouragement whatsoever?

Well….the conclusion of my research, based upon myself (and input over the years from female friends), is that…THEY ARE.

Yes.

Stone me.

I dare you.

Please believe that sometimes one rebuttal has not been enough for these ‘guys’. I have on occasion been subjected to ‘My Street Chirpse Of You…Round 2’.

For Goodness SAKE.

Needless to say I am tired. So, so, tired, of this street terrorism and I wish that some of ‘societies’ finest’ were reading this. Highly unlikely. It is more likely they are sidling up to their next ‘opportunity’ right now, begging friend as we speak; ‘Can I be your friend?’ aka ‘I want a wham, bam, thank you ma’am, and you look like just the lady to tickle my fancy. Ya dig?’ No I don’t dig and ladies, neither should you. Don’t even entertain these pathetic rascals. This is a warning, especially for the younger ladies as these miscreants don’t even seem to have a limit to their pervy advances anymore targeting younger and younger girls. Sadly, some of you are falling for it and experiencing all manner of emotional mess.

There is so much more I could say on this topic, more horrific occurrences I could recall, but I don’t think I need to. I’m fairly sure anybody who is a woman, knows what I am talking about, so prolific are these hooligans’ violations. Needless to say, not all men are like this, and there are many who do have respect for women, so please don’t go treating all men with scorn and judging them by the content of this post…

…Hmm.

Can I be honest?

I felt a bit of pressure to write that last bit. Why? Well it seems like a woman cannot write a post about men these days without having to throw in some general praise of men, however unrelated it might be. Lest she finds her post read by a man, who will take offence to something she’s written, decide in his mind that she’s a CBW (Crazy Black Woman), spread this allegation amongst his friends, who in turn disperse this now ‘truth’ along the UK male gossip underground railway, so that before you know it, all men in the three major city vicinity (London, Birmingham, Manchester) categorically know, that you are a CBW. Furthermore, (as I’ve heard it recounted) that woman could go out someday and find herself being told, by a guy she doesn’t know, upon them hearing her name that ‘Oh. You’re that girl. A bit of a CBW aren’t you?’.

o_O

The guy has never read her post.

He merely got a ‘heads up’ from The Brotherhood.

Crikey.

I think I just found the topic for my next rant.

Yours Truly

xx

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One thought on “A bit of a rant, a bit of a rave: Part 2

  1. I’m on my phone so can’t type much, I just wanna sayd this post is SO funny!
    I agree with everything you say. I think that mean are the
    Most intriguing thing God created O_O I wrote two posts on men
    Recently, the first one was full of praise, admiration, appreciation.
    The second one (which I published yesterday) described the unscrupulous, disgusting and childish
    Ways of some men, a bit like you’ve just done in your post. Just goes to show
    There are many different types of men, just like with everything in life
    There’s the good and the bad… Street chirpsers however are just a species of their own to be honest
    And one that I just don’t understand… Thank you for such a great post, looking forward to your next one!

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